I won't lie, it will be biased because literally every single person I have been close to has either lied to me or kept something huge from me (which I class as being the same as lying). I just don't understand it. People see it as no big deal to keep secrets or lie about how they feel or what they've done on the basis of "What she doesn't know won't hurt her." But, and let's clear this myth up once and for all, this is a lie in itself.
Yes, the truth may hurt, but if someone lies and you then find out through an overheard conversation or a story that doesn't add up, the hurt is unbearable. In the end, you don't care about the thing that they have tried to cover up, you care about the fact that they have deceived you.
First of all there's the little lies. People saying that they're busy when they really just don't feel like going out. Why? Everyone has days where they'd rather just be on their own. It's normal. So why not just say that you're tired and need some time alone? I'm sure nobody would be offended, I do it all the time and nobody has ever reacted badly.
But that's just a stupid lie that doesn't really affect anybody. It's more of an annoyance than an issue I have.
But now, what about the big lies? The lies that you tell to "protect people". To spare their feelings when you know the truth will hurt. You fancy someone that isn't your partner, you've taken drugs after you promised you'd quit or WHATEVER. You know the type. They're the lies couples tell to "protect" the relationship, the lies parents tell to "protect" their children. These are the lies I think are disgusting, for the reasons I will not attempt to discuss in a way that articulates my feelings clearly.
First of all, parents lying to their children. They all do it. But that doesn't make it right. I for one have been the recipient of many a lie disguising huge issues that I know I would have been able to deal with had I been told them. But when you try and protect someone, you just assume that the person in question isn't mature enough or stable enough to understand. It's the assuming that really gets me. I have found out about my parents lies through slips of official looking paper left lying around, huge blazing rows that take place in the next room to the one I am "sleeping" in, and my cousins accidentally letting something slip. That was the worst. Finding something out about your parents from a second cousin you're barely in contact with.
When you find out about a lie by accident, your heart literally drops and sits in your stomach like a rock. As well as finding out the hurtful information in a context where you are completely unprepared, you feel alone, betrayed, disrespected and like you have been made to look like a fool.
In addition to this, what kind of socialisation does this give the child? They don't grow up a better person for being kept in the dark. They grow up bitter, untrusting and convinced that everybody who gets close will do the same thing. It's true that the things that occur in your childhood shape your future attitudes and experiences in life, and trust me, you don't have to be sexually abused or the victim of domestic violence for your past to have some kind of effect on you.
And now the relationship lies. I look at these in a different way to parental lies. They are less hurtful in a way because by the time you get to be in a relationship you're:
a) not a child and
b) it's more a case of "I don't believe this is happening again" than genuine shock that you're being deceived.
However, they are more damaging to the relationship than most things I can think of because the way I look at it, to be in a successful relationship, you need to bring down the walls that you have with everybody else and be honest, because then you really are being genuine with one another so the foundations are laid for a close friendship as well as a sexual relationship.
When you tell a lie, it stops you being genuine. You are thinking one thing and saying another. To be close to someone, they have to know what you're actually thinking, not just what you want them to know. They have to know the person behind the front that you put on for the rest of the world.
Lying to your partner creates a thin mist between you both. It gives you the upper hand as you can gain quiet satisfaction and maybe a slight amount of guilt in knowing that they are believing something that isn't true. Nobody should have the upper hand in a relationship.
If you do something wrong or believe that being honest about your feelings about something will hurt then the least you can do is give your partner the right to make her own mind up as to whether she is upset or angry at you. You should not take away that right. Once you have lied once, it's easy to lie again and again, especially if you've got away with it the first time.
However, if your lies tend to get found out, don't make false promises about never doing it again if you know you will. If you make a vow to be honest you should do everything you can to stick to it instead of breaking that fragile trust again and again because one day that trust will be gone, it might only take a tiny white lie but it will be one lie too many and your partner will not want to trust you again so she won't try, she'll be too hurt and betrayed and have no faith in you.
So boys and girls, if you lie and get caught, change your ways, for your own sake as well as hers.
If anyone thinks that this is aimed at anyone, then the answer is yes and no. Reflecting upon myself and my past inspired me to write this blog but in general, no, it is not aimed at anyone in particular, it is just aimed at anybody who tells lies, which is most people.
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