Thy Commandments;
1) Thou shall live by the commandments written in this bible.
...we'll see.
2) Thou shall do thou best to act like a LADY.
I can tell already that this is going to be a prime example of girls doing themselves no favours.
3) Thou shall refer to one’s private area as her 'VJJ' ‘Muffin’, ‘Vertical Sandwich’ or ‘Coochie’.
Vertical Sandwich?! I prefer badly wrapped kebab myself. Or axe wound.
4) Thou shall call thy boyfriend thy ‘BOF’
The BOF? What? No.
5) Thou must never nature wee.
If you mean pee outside then come on, every body has to do it sometimes.
6) Thou shall guard one's make-up with her life.
Er, why?
7) Thou shall appreciate one’s womanly assets as a blessing from the Lord.
Ok.
8) If thou does not like wine, thou shall pretend to like it anyway, one shall never drink Beer.
This is ridiculous. Girls that drink beer are cool.
9) Thou shall always wear a smaller bra than ones actual size to emphasise one’s womanly curves.
I think there is some truth in this because bras in my size always make my boobs look rubbish.
10) Thou must remember that without our eggs, man would not be hatched; therefore we are superior to man.
...?
11) Thou shall fake ones pleasure in order to boost a males esteem.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. Not ever. No. If he doesn't know where he's going wrong, how is he ever going to improve? Plus, if the guy in question is your boyfriend then you're essentially lying to him, which is wrong. He'd be gutted if he knew. Bitches.
12) Thou shall strategise relationships.
I'm not sure what this means but it sounds quite manipulative and not nice.
13) Thou shall always use the best products for thy hair including those down below.
Er, I guess but only if you have the money. Alcohol money > hair product money.
14) Thou must avoid the drip/dry method.
What is this?
15) Thou shall not stuff thou bra with tissue paper or socks; thou shall merely wear a small bra to deceive thy BOF.
Why would you deceive your boyfriend? He's going to see how small they are when you get naked anyway, and besides, some boys prefer small boobs.
16) Thou shall treat thy BOF every now and then with a Vajazzle.
No this is ridiculous. Treat him with some sexy outfits or something but not a diamonte vagina.
17) Thou shall never go where another companion has been
Oh rubbish.
18) Thou shall not fall asleep during intercourse, even if one’s BOF is poor in bed.
Yeah cause then he's technically raping you and you wouldn't want to be going out with some weirdo that fucks sleeping people.
19) She who has a mono brow is a let down.
Yes.
20) Thou shall strictly follow the rule, ‘chicks before d*cks’
It depends who the dick is. If he's the guy you're gonna end up marrying then screw the girl you occasionally get pissed with.
21) Thou shall alert all fellow women if she doth know a sex pest.
Hahahahaha or just let her find out for herself.
22) Thou shall never bulk up in the gym but merely tone.
Why?
23) Thou shall trim regularly.
Trim? No. Shave/wax/hair removal cream.
24) Thou shall never itch ones rectum in public.
Hahahahahaha no you should.
25) Thou shall never admit to releasing wind.
Ok.
26) Thou shall never be happy with one’s shoe collection.
God this is so boring. Shoes and bags are boring. Collect something fun instead.
27) Thou shall cook for thy BOF if he brings home enough bread.
Yeah cooking for someone is nice.
28) Thou shall know every word of Dirty Dancing.
No it's shit.
29) Thou shall remember …. ‘Fridge pickers wear bigger knickers’.
And? Stop being sexist on yourselves. Pick the fridge all you want.
30) Thou shall not lie, but merely white lie.
No, lie if you want to. Everybody lies.
31) Thou shall ALWAYS never be seen with a boy that drinks Alcopops.
Yeah it's a bit embarrassing.
32) Thou shall never accept ‘COD’ in a conversation unless one’s BOF is going down to the chippy.
Mm. Maybe.
33) Thou shall never allow ‘playing Fifa’ as a valid excuse for not answering the phone.
If your boyfriend ignores you for Fifa then he doesn't deserve to be your boyfriend.
34) Thou shall not cheat, but more importantly, thou shall be lethal when been cheated on.
Yeah, chop his willy off.
35) Thou shall worship the creation of tampons, apparently Eve was given a pack when she was created.
Yes.
36) When asked, 'does my bum look big in this?' Thou shall tell thy fellow gf the truth.
Yeah but like...bigger bums are better.
37) Thou shall always cross thy legs to avoid exposure.
Unless you're me and live in harem pants.
38) Thou shall multi task.
I CAN'T DO THIS.
39) Thou shall NEVER be called a wench.
Yeah, "LADs" that do this need to fuck off and grow up.
40) Thou shall never break the unwritten rule of messing with a another womans ex BOF.
If it's your best friend then don't do it but if it's someone you don't really see yourself being friends with long-term anyway then why does it matter? Sorry but I hate this bullshit concept of sisterhood when it's about people you barely know.
41) Thou shall always make thy LAD want more.
Hmmmmm okay but this sounds a lot like game playing which I'm not into.
42) Thou shall always back up a fellow woman.
Or anyone who is in the right.
43) Thou shall remember leopards never change their spots. If he cheats he will never change.
Yeah, don't put up with stuff like that.
44) Thou shall be able to drop a tissue on your leg and it glide down … silky smooth.
Ok.
45) Thou shall avoid making sandwiches for men unless an edition of Cosmo is at the ready or you want some peace.
This is rubbish, making sandwiches is a nice thing to do (unless your man is an arsehole that reads the LAD bible and thinks it's his right to have sandwiches made for him).
46) Thou should eat a Yorkie bar.
But I thought fridge pickers wore big knickers?
47) Thou shall NEVER show weakness.
Why? This is just a version of "male pride" which is bullshit.
48) Thou shall marry a financially secure male.
ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS? What is this LASS bible anyway? Is it about female empowerment or is it about being thin, marrying a rich man and staying in the kitchen? Get rich yourself and marry a man that you love.
49) On a night out thou shall go to the toilet in no less that two.
This is ridiculous, I always go for wees on my own.
50) Thou shall forgive but never forget…. If a LAD won’t buy you something remind him what he did.
I hate this idea. Why should he buy you anything? And who are you to emotionally blackmail him if he doesn't?
51) Thou shall do what you want when you want.
Unless it's a cunt-ish thing that a cunt would do.
52) Thou shall always be on time.
Yes, there is nothing worse than people who are always late. If you are going to be late then text in advance and apologise. Manners cost nothing.
53) Thou shall be spoilt during times of PMS.
No, this is the reason girls have such a bad rep. We can't do this and then get offended when lads joke about it being our "time of the month".
54) Thou shall NOT take any kitchen insults seriously as most men do not hold enough 'sausage' to even fill a sandwich.
Don't take them seriously unless they're meant seriously.
55) Thou shall be independent. She who needs has to feed.
But I thought we had to marry a rich man who could bring home the bread? Make your mind up LASSes.
56) Thou shall remain classy.
Meh, classy is overrated.
57) Thou shall remember that without a woman a LAD has no option but to swing the other way.
This is stupid.
58) Thou shall be proud of their kitchen skills and remember it is better than being a bin man.
Again, I don't get it. Is The LASS Bible telling us to stay at home making sandwiches or is it telling us to be independent fierce women who don't need no men?
59) Thou should ALWAYS get thy own way...if at first one does not succeed, one should stamp their feet and scream loudly as a means to an end.
Yeah getting your own way is good. I'll take that.
60) Thou shall show thy best assets subtly.
Or not subtly. Whatever.
61) Thou shall act innocent be nice when you want something and then go back to normal when one has what they desire.
Hmmmmmmm.
62) Thou shalt always remain loyal to thy rabbit.
Remain loyal? As in, don't have sex with anybody who isn't battery operated?
63) If thou shall accidentally run into an Ex... Thou shall pretend to be on thy phone.
This is something a weird psycho loser would do. If you ended on good terms, say hi, if not don't. Don't pretend that you have friends when you don't.
64) Thou shall use the excuse of the menstrual cycle to avoid sex with a lad without offending.
No, who cares if some beast in a club gets offended. Offend away.
65) Thou shall dance like beyonce when on a night out with the girls.
Er no, this is really embarrassing.
66) Thou shall remember kitten heels don’t look good.
Everybody seems to hate kitten heels but nobody even wears them so I don't see a point in hating on something that basically doesn't exist.
67) Thou shall play hard to get.
JUST DON'T PLAY GAMES. WE'RE NOT 14.
68) Thou shall rub a fellow womans back when chundering.
Yeah this is nice.
69) Thou shall always be there for a fellow woman.
We've had one very similar to this. Be there for anyone you care about, man or woman.
70) If thy heart of thou friend has been broken by a man, thou shall come bearing films, chocolate, popcorn and any other edibles to help thy friend recover in order for suitable revenge to be plotted.
Meh, if it wasn't so cliche and Bridget Jones then this may be nice. Go and get her drunk instead.
71) Thou shall always use 'no sex for you' as a threat to thy LAD.
Hahaha nobody ever actually carries that through though so it loses meaning.
72) Thou shall remember I am better than your ex and I will be better than your next.
This rule cannot possibly apply to every girl. Think about it.
73) Thou shall ask thy LAD, 'Could you bleed for a week and not die?'
Uhh.
74) Thou shall always remind thy LAD that thy heels in thy wardrobe are bigger than his manhood. So if he doesn’t want to end up in there shutup.
Haha mine aren't, I live in flats because I'm not a real woman apparently.
75) Thou shall never pity a LAD.
Aww, why? Boys get sad too.
76) Thou shall shop till thy drop.
No, shop until you're spent up and not too tired to go and get drunk.
77) Thou shall remember that women were given child bearing hips for a reason, because men are soft.
Men were given brute strength because women are soft.
78) Thou shall only take advice from one man; Gok Wan.
NO BECAUSE HE TELLS UGLY FAT PEOPLE THAT THEY LOOK GOOD NAKED WHEN THEY DON'T AND THEN EVERYBODY HAS TO GO THROUGH THE ORDEAL OF SEEING THEM NAKED.
79) Thou shall always divide by three when a LAD tells you how many he has slept with.
Depends on the guy. I don't think all guys do this.
80) Thou shall throw tantrums before going out if one can not find the correct outfit.
This is gay.
81) Thou shall not let thy BOF drive as women are clearly better drivers.
They actually are. But I think it's really hot that my boyfriend can drive hahaha.
82) Thou shall laugh at any man who wears fake tan or makeup. Joey Essex is no man.
True, both of the above are not attractive but leave Joey Essex alone, he's lovely.
84) Thou shall recognise the resemblance between thy LAD and thine toilet; they are either full of sh*t or engaged/taken.
Yeeah I guess. Or they're chubby virgins that you left in the friendzone.
85) Thou shall accept man went on the moon first, they should now stay up there.
Bla.
86) Thou shall remember that thy nation is ruled by a woman.
Er, what?
87) Thou shall ask the question .. Who run the world ? GIRLS.
No.
88) If thy BOF is found to be cheating, he has lost the best thing he ever had … you.
Or maybe you weren't that great.
89) Thou shall eat sandwiches you make in front of him when he is hungry. For his poor excuse for sandwiches will never be as good.
Sorry but my boyfriend makes the best sandwiches in the world so I simply can't agree with this.
90) Thou shall remove the fuse out of the plug on the Xbox/PS3, so thy LAD will think that it is broke.
Don't be mean.
91) Thou shall party hard.
Yeeeah woooo yolo go hard or go home party party party #rockandroll
92) When receiving thy GCSE’s thou shall have more GCSE’s that notches on thy bed.
Yeah because if you had slept with ten people before the age of 16 you'd probably be on Jeremy Kyle.
93) Thou shall grow thy fingernails and get them done once a week.
Nah.
94) Thou shall pamper thyself on a reg.
Effort.
95) Thou shall never sell thyself.
Why? fuck off, those women make more money in an hour than whoever the author of this lass bible does in a week. Nothing wrong with prostitution, sorry but there isn't. It's a career, same as any other.
96) Thou shall have thy LAD under the thumb.
Aha.
97) Thou shall show her boyfriend an equal amount of love as to what he hath shown her.
Hm, but then nobody would get anywhere because nobody would be making any effort with each other and they'd all be ignoring each other to get high and play Fifa.
98) Thou shall accept that men wear the trousers, but we choose which ones.
The man is the head of the family but the woman is the neck, and the neck controls every movement the head makes.
99) Thou shall always name thy child, as a man will want a stupid name.
Yeah they will.
100) Thou shall remember The SLAG Bible has an ironic name.
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